 |
|
 |
|
|||
 |
|||
 |  |  | 
|  |
 |
Dr. Leda's Rose Journal |
 |
|
The Etiquette of Growing Roses
By Dr. Leda Horticulture,
A Clinically Diagnosed Rose Addict
December 6, 2001
Rose growers are not exempt from good manners. From time to time, we too must look up from our digging and pruning to consider the impact our hobby might have upon others.
"Is my New Dawn trespassing on the neighbor's porch?" we should wonder periodically. "Is my husband trapped inside his car again because Belle of Portugal grew twelve feet while he was fumbling with his keys? Do those innocent pedestrians on the sidewalk really want to hear the names of all 163 roses in my front yard? Is it polite to give my hairdresser another 200 daylilies for Christmas so I can make room for more floribundas? Have my children grown up and left home while I was absorbed in this rose catalog?"
These are all well-bred, genteel questions to ponder. But this is not the sort of etiquette I'd like to address today. Today, I want to talk about etiquette from the rose's point of view.
As you may have noticed, roses tend to be proper, refined, and easily offended. But they are not interested in what Emily Post or Miss Manners have to say. They have their own firm opinions about the correct way to behave in their presence. Humans will get along much better with roses if we observe a few simple rules of etiquette...their rules.
- In basic rose etiquette, there is no greater insult than to ignore a rose. Roses demand attention. You must talk to them, sing to them, jump through flaming hoops for them. Roses don't care whether you recite 16th century Italian sonnets, perform the Mendelssohn violin concerto in E minor, or tell the joke of the day that's floating around the internet, as long as they are the center of your attention.
- Roses are, justifiably, vain creatures. They thrive on extravagant compliments and excessive praise. If you fail to make a sufficient fuss over their beauty, they will sulk and pout and withhold. "Oh, just look at that Baroness Rothschild!" you must cry every time you pass the silly bush. "She makes the Taj Mahal look like an Acme U-Store-It bin!" Anything less than ridiculous hyperbole is considered uncouth and must be avoided.
- Roses are highly offended by competition. Planting something bigger and brighter and showier nearby that might detract from a rose's stardom is decidedly non au fait. Heaven forbid and pass the smelling salts! Growing a coral passion vine on the fence behind a rose is a slap in the face, and the consequences could be as tragic as hiring the Rockettes to perform at your wedding. Your rose might not speak to you for years.
- Roses feel entitled to many presents and gifts. In the mind of a rose, every day is Christmas, and you are jolly old Saint Nick. To let a month go by without bearing a gift is a grave faux pas. Make offerings, regularly and generously, whether it's diamond tiaras for their crowns or dead fish for their feet. Volumes have been written about the sorts of gifts roses covet; pay close attention to the volume of your choice, and cough up often.
- Proper decorum requires you to groom your roses obsessively. You're expected to crouch on your haunches in the mud like a mother chimpanzee, picking at bugs and plucking blemished leaves for hours while the rose stretches languidly, admiring herself and dreaming of the day she makes the cover of the American Rose Society's annual swimsuit issue. Whether her perfection is real or imagined is up to you, but you must act at all times as if it were real. "Blackspot?" you must gasp as you tactfully discard an imperfect leaf. "Heavens no, that's a only beauty mark."
- Never, under any circumstances, criticize a rose's behavior. That would be unthinkably rude. You must ignore crude manners and social gaffes. Has a viciously thorny Mermaid latched on to your arm like a pit bull, and threatened to dismember a leg and several eyes along with it? Turn the other cheek. Are a crowd of burly Knockouts sitting at the end of your driveway for all the world to see, their neon-hot cherry-pink muu-muus hiked up over their knees, hair in curlers, cussing and spitting on the sidewalk while they clash garishly with the Christmas decorations (many roses just don't seem to know when to quit blooming)? Don't say a word. Has an obese Cecile Brunner knocked down your porch and moved on into the house where it's drinking the good scotch and running up long distance phone bills? Look the other way. It's not important.
In the world of roses, only one thing matters: that roses are beautiful, and they were put on earth to be admired. Remember these simple rules of etiquette and your roses will flourish. They'll remind you again and again why you bother, why you put up with them, why you fell in love with them in the first place. Mind your rose manners, and I guarantee, they'll never let you forget.
