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Dr. Leda's Rose Journal |
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If Roses Could Write...
By Dr. Leda Horticulture, O. R.
July 1, 2002
...They would probably publish The American Rose Maniac: a Magazine for Roses, by Roses, About the People Who Grow Them. And the tables would be turned...
In the July 2002 issue of The American Rose Maniac:
The Critic's Corner
This month, food critic 'Abraham Darby' reviews the culinary concoctions at Cafe Chez Leda.
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| Abraham Darby |
Summer is here, and well into my third flush of blooms, I suddenly realized I was famished. So, along with compatriots 'Tamora' and 'Prospero,' I decided to dine at the highly touted Cafe Chez Leda. We arrived at sunrise Saturday morning, before the heat was harsh enough to cause leaf burn. We found the cafe's setting to be quite attractive, and the location extremely convenient to where we are planted.
Parking was simply not an issue. Although the cafe was packed with roses and we had no reservations, we were promptly seated. A bleary-eyed waitress, who seemed to be doubling as the chef, welcomed us with a refreshing drench from a garden hose. Fortunately, we were too hungry to be more than mildly alarmed at her rather festive outfit (polka-dot pajama bottoms, knee-high green Wellingtons, and a faded pink tank top announcing "I Caught Crabs at Holly Beach"); however, any expectations of continental elan were instantly dashed.
The first appetizer to arrive was a deliciously aromatic top-dressing of alfalfa meal. It was fresh and unadulterated horse feed which, unlike rabbit pellets, contains no added sugar or salt. The N-P-K ratio was a delightful 4-1-2, and we thoroughly enjoyed the mingling flavors of nitrogen and triacontanol. The soup du jour was next, an excellent surf-n-turf chowder. This thick, heady brew of fish emulsion, seaweed, and aged steer manure (strained through queensized taupe pantyhose) was expertly seasoned with SuperThrive and epsom salts. The main course comprised an unexceptional but satisfying compost, dark and crumbly and not too hot.
Ah, but the dessert! Not even the rowdy obnoxious 'Knockouts' at the next table, or the chef's defiant Ronald McDonald hairdo, or the neighbors across the street holding their noses and shouting, "Who the heck died over there?" could possibly detract from the divine pleasures of the decadent dessert. A sinfully rich fish-head tiramisu, swirling with generous scoops of steaming black earthworm castings and tantalizingly topped by half-rotted banana peels, sent us reeling to paradise and back. Happily satiated, we washed it all down with a demitasse of fresh coffee grounds. The odd-looking waitress drenched us with the hose once more before we left, and even though we forgot to tip her, we'll probably go back again next month. Abraham Darby says: Two thorns up for Dr. Leda!
The Beginner's Column
Advice for first year roses, by Eden Climber
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| Eden Climber |
The most frequent question the American Rose Maniac Society is asked by first-year roses is, "How do we train our people to be tolerant?" If we aren't winning trophies, smothering fences, and producing thousands of perfect blossoms the first year we're planted, those hot-headed perfectionists reach for the shovel. I spoke with several consulting roses around the yard, and each had some encouraging advice to offer beginners.
'Lady Hillingdon,' the climbing tea by the back door, claims that spectacular fragrance is her key to survival. "I'm on my own roots, and a bit of a slow starter," she confided, her yolk-yellow flowers nodding demurely above gorgeous bronze foliage. "I'm an old-fashioned traditionalist who still follows the old adage, 'First year sleep, second year creep, third year leap.' I don't like to be rushed." But even when she was a foot tall, Lady H. says, she had no trouble convincing her person that life without her lovely wafting perfume could never be worth living.
Unlike her aristocratic neighbor, floribunda 'Betty Prior' is a working girl who's not too keen on the niceties of fragrance. "I just hit the ground running," says Betty with a saucy toss of her hot pink clusters. "Ever since I was a bareroot, I've worked long hard hours. I'm always the first to start blooming and the last to stop. I never take vacations or sick days. Call me a workaholic, but nobody waves that shovel at me."
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| Just Joey |
According to 'Just Joey,' the tall handsome hybrid tea east of the verandah, the secret to longevity is aggressive flirtation. "I'm right in her face," says Joey, absentmindedly flexing his huge butterscotch muscles. "I wink at her every time she walks by. Wolf whistles, cat calls, maybe a little pinch on the rear. Heeeey, baybee! She can't resist me. One look at my long straight stems and enormous flowers, and she's wrapped around my little cane forever."
So next time your person starts muttering about the shovel, try one of these techniques. People don't always come equipped with enough patience, but they can be taught!
The July Person of the Month
Dr. Leda Horticulture by 'Double Delight'
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| Double Delight |
'Dr. Leda Horticulture' is a short, frizzy-haired, bespectacled hybrid of 'Emma' x 'Bill,' whose quirky lopsided smile adds charm to the informal country garden. An obsessive and energetic rose grower, she's handy with the Felcos but has a slight tendency to crowd too many roses too close together.
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| Dr. Leda. American Rose Maniac Society rating: 8.4 |
She requires an occasional gentle reminder to straighten her posture, but other than a smattering of freckles, she seems to be quite resistant to spotting. She performs fairly well when grown organically, though if you plan to exhibit her, you'll need to cut back on her feeding and put her on a regular schedule of botox and concealer.
