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Dr. Leda's Rose Journal |
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How To Plant A Rose in Five Easy Steps
Easy? Did she say EASY? Bwaa-hahahah! Dr. Leda reveals the lurid truth about planting roses...
By Dr. Leda Horticulture, O. R.
April, 2004
Step 1. Acquire Some Muscles: Planting roses is no job for wimps. It entails not only strenuous digging, but also occasional taxing bouts of chopping, hacking, hauling, lifting, lugging, and distributing 200-pound deadweight sacks of malodorous water-logged bovine manure. To accomplish such Herculean tasks properly requires a hefty set of human muscles.
But don't despair—if you haven't been blessed with a brawny back and bulging biceps of your own, there are several ways to amend the situation.
I, in my own excessive rose zealotry, have been moved to join a health club and take up weight training. (Continued below...)
Free Rose Wallpaper
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Free Rose WallpaperFor a free, monthly high resolution rose wallpaper, subscribe to Marsha's Journal. Dr. Leda's inbox has been flooded with inquiries about her health and the missing March issue of her Journal. (Okay, so two people wrote.) Fear not, she is in fine fetter, although her computer was not. Something to do with the 1s or the 0s, she's not sure which. And sorry, there will be no refund for the missing March issue. |
Special Local Events
If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, there are two upcoming events that may interest you. The West Bay Bearded Iris Society Show & Sale on Saturday & Sunday, April 17th & 18th and the Spring Field Trip to Filoli Gardens on Thursday, April 29th. Of course you'll take a day off. Dr. Leda will write you an excuse for your boss if you need one. For more information, see our complete announcement.
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| Ecru Woman the Tanless Wonder |
Every morning when the alarm goes off, I step into a phone booth and don one of those embarrassing little lycra suits, emerging as Ecru Woman the Tanless Wonder who trundles off to the International House of Pain to chew iron before breakfast. My grueling routine of dead lifts, bench presses, and split squats has paid off handsomely (see photo). Besides, there's always the chance that one of the truly huge testostero-hunks, enchanted by the adorable way I grimace like I'm giving birth to a UPS truck, might follow me home from the gym and offer to be my slave.
Many rose gardeners, for chiropractical reasons, prefer their muscles to be attached to someone else's skeleton. Some may opt to hire a cute neighborhood teenager; others enjoy bribing (or threatening) their spouse with expensive French lingerie. I knew one thrifty woman who initiated a work-training program for trusties from the local correctional facility. If a support group of convicted felons is what it takes to grow good roses, a dedicated rose lover doesn't blink.
So be creative! There are myriad ways to get your hands on some lovely rippling muscles, which may of course be employed and enjoyed for other purposes as well.
Step 2. Obtain Some Tools: Beautiful tools are nearly as addictive as beautiful muscles, and once again the discerning rose gardener must be cautious not to get carried away. We are all too capable of squandering a week's wages on an exquisite set of cunning little hand-carved Japanese bonsai tools, even if we've never intentionally bonsaied a plant in our lives.
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| A Tea rose, having survived with its bud union above the soil line. |
But a durable, well-made garden shovel is a wise and justifiable investment. Just be sure it's a proper fit for the owner of the muscles—few things are as awkward as wielding a shovel that's too long, or as painful as hunching over one that's too short. Other tools to expedite the job include a pair of sturdy but comfortable (and of course trés chic) gloves, a wheelbarrow, pruning shears, a hand spade, and a generous supply of Amedei Porcelana chocolate bars, for positive reinforcement.
Step 3. Procure a Rose: Assuming you haven't blown your budget on fine chocolate, goatskin gloves, and lacy little artilleries de la nuit, now is the time to come up with the rose. You may be thinking: "Oh boy, here comes the fun part!" but no. Gird your loins and repeat after me: Rose Shopping Is Not For Sissies.
After all the time and effort you've put into this project so far—and we haven't even come to the actual work part yet—you want to be absolutely certain the rose you select is worth the trouble. It must be a splendid specimen of a rose, a match made in heaven that will thrive in your climate and fill your heart with exuberant glee, a rose so perfect and beautiful in every way it will inspire you to dance the hokey-pokey before your first cup of coffee every morning.
That's a tall order, and this is the point where many become frozen with doubt and indecision. If you are stricken with a case of the dreaded Rose Shopping Paralysis, there's only one known cure: forget about perfection, and just go ahead and buy every pretty rose that strikes your fancy. This method can also spread much joy, as will be evidenced by your spouse's new tendency to break into the hokey-pokey at the oddest hours of the day and night.
One final word of advice: when purchasing a rose, size does matter, and as usual it's what's below the belt that counts. Never buy a rose with truncated roots.
Step 4. Forge an Opinion: A recent study conducted by the Electronic Fearmongering Foundation reveals that the internet's most vicious flame wars are not waged over such hot-button issues as politics, abortion, gun control, or even the Cruz-Cruise breakup. No, the number-one foaming-at-the-mouth psycho-cyber controversy turned out to be whether or not the bud union of a grafted rose should be planted above or below the surface of the soil. The mere question is every webmaster's worst nightmare, the bane and often the downfall of many a civilized gardening forum.
Some rose experts insist that mollycoddling the bud union high above the soil line reduces insect and bacterial infestation and prevents graft decay; other experts are adamant that burying the bud union several inches beneath the surface is necessary to protect the plant from cold, anchor it during storms, and encourage it to develop roots of its own.
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| The white climber (forground) has taken over a nearby tree. |
Like it or not, if you're planning to plant a rose that's been grafted onto rootstock, you too must do a little research, pick a side, strap on your asbestos armor, and fling yourself into the fray. Personally, I lean a little towards the plant-deep camp, but can't deny that the roses planted carelessly high (by one of my cute neighborhood teenagers) four years ago are thriving beautifully. I also concede that the benefits of each approach may vary with climate, soil type, and overall garden juju. The truly conflict-averse may be better off sticking with roses grown on their own roots.
Step 5. Establish a Hole: The three most important qualities to look for in a successful rose hole are: location, location, and location. Sissinghurst, for example, would make an excellent location; so would Ventura County, California. If, however, you can't seem to gain access to these prime locations, your next best bet is a sunny spot in your own yard.
The minimum number of sunny hours will depend on your climate. If you live in a region that tends towards cool, foggy, overcast summers, you'll want at least six to eight hours of direct sunlight. If you live in the blast furnace of Inferno, you may be able to get by with four or five. (If you're not sure, contact the CDC and ask which is most prevalent in your area, rickets or melanoma.)
Once you've secured the ideal location, go ahead and begin the excavation. A general rule of thumb is: the harder it is to dig, the bigger the hole should be. The size of the hole will also depend on the size of the roots (which, as we all know, should be either Large, Extra Large, or Super Jumbo). Go ahead and have fun constructing miniature mounds and moats and drawbridges and whatnot; just don't forget to insert the rose in the hole before refilling it.
And when at last your new rose is resting happily in its new home, you may bow your head and whisper: Amend! No, it's not time to hang it up just yet. Remember that wheelbarrow? That pile of compost, the sack of manure? Let me hear you sing it, sister, come on, belt it out! Give me an Aaaay-Mend! A-mend! Amend.
Once you've amended the heck out of that rose, you may finish your chocolate, slip into your lingerie, round up your favorite biceps, and call it a day.
That, my friends, is the way to plant a rose.
