By Dr. Leda Horticulture, O. R.
March, 2006
(The scene: Three celebrity sportscasters are seated
in an observation booth, styled and wired and ready to
deliver their scintillating blow-by-blow talking-head
commentary on the exciting 2006 Winter Rose Olympics.)
Tom: Good morning, horti-sports fans! And welcome to those
of you who are just now joining us here in beautiful downtown
Deep Inferno, Louisiana. It certainly doesn’t feel
quite as warm as Dante’s notorious underworld today,
does it Keith?
Keith (wrapping his parka tighter around his face):
Mmmph-mmmph.
Tom (holding on to his fedora): Absolutely, Keith, and
these strong gusty winds could prove to be quite an interesting
challenge for our intrepid athletes today.
Say, Marilyn, when does hurricane season start in Louisiana, anyway?
That's not a levee over there, is it?
Marilyn (unbuttoning her sweater): Oh for heaven's sake.
You Californians are such high-strung wimps.
Tom: Ha ha, Marilyn. Right you are. Well! It looks as
if our first contender in the Rose Pruning Speed Event
is approaching the starting block in lane 4. I think...yes!
It appears to be number 52, Dr. Leda Horticulture, a newcomer
to the Rose Olympics this year, proudly representing the
US of A. What do we know about this Dr. Leda person, Keith?
Keith: Well, Tom, it says here that she's "a former
heavyweight rose-hole digging champion who in recent years
has earned a fierce reputation in competitive rose pruning
circles." As a matter of fact, I heard she once savagely
pruned a mature climbing 'Mermaid'
with her bare hands, in three minutes flat. She must have been drunk
or something.
Tom: That rumor may or may not be an urban legend, Keith,
but today Dr. Leda is sporting a regulation Rose Olympics
holster, carrying a pair of right-handed Number 2 Felco
pruners. She's also wearing a sturdy pair of pruning gloves
that appear to be made from tough yet butter-soft goatskin
leather, with exceptionally high canvas gauntlets.
Keith: It also says here that she is the daughter of itinerant
shark wrestlers. Where on earth do these people find their
career counselors, inside matchbook covers?
 |
| Annette Bening in the movie American
Beauty, sporting the "American Beauty" glove
by Tahoe Glove company. |
Marilyn: Excuse me, Keith, but I'd like to point out that
Dr. Leda is wearing the highly prestigious women's "American
Beauty" glove designed by the Tahoe Glove company.
These are the same elegant pruning gloves worn by Annette
Bening during those absolutely breathtaking rose pruning
scenes in the Academy Award winning film, "American
Beauty."
Tom: I'm sure we were all perched on the edges of our
seats during those thrilling scenes, Marilyn. Now, the
judges are...
Keith: Good lord. What is that thing she's wearing
on her head?
Tom: ????
Marilyn: !!!!
Keith: I mean, is it a flying saucer? A paper plate? A
giant pancake that took an unfortunate wrong turn at breakfast?
Seriously.
Marilyn: I think maybe I’m going to have to cast
my vote for "wardrobe malfunction" on this one,
Keith.
Tom: I believe it might be a sort of...beret? Yes! A beret-like
thing! A Salt Lake City flashback. So, what sort of stiff
competition is our novice contender facing in this brutally
rigorous event today, Keith?
Keith: Well, Tom, unfortunately Dr. Leda and her insane
head frisbee are up against formidable US teammate and
five-time Rose Olympic gold medalist "Bloody Buddha" Barden.
She's also contending with the UK's veteran undefeated
rose speed pruner, "Barbaric Beast" Beales. Who
comes up with these ludicrous names, the WWF? Anyway, I'm
afraid "Laserdisc Lid" Leda's odds aren't looking
terribly bright today, in spite of her boldly extraterrestrial
taste in millinery couture.
Marilyn: I really don't think that alien headgear thing
is on purpose, Keith.
Tom: That's a fascinating theory, Marilyn. As Dr. Leda
Horticulture approaches the starting block, we can see
a team of official paramedics milling around on the left,
standing by in case of emergency. Speed rose pruning is
a highly dangerous sport, Keith, is it not?
Keith: Yes indeed, Tom, speed pruning has the highest
injury rate of any event in the Winter Rose Olympics.
As you can see, the paramedics have assembled an impressive array of
bandages, tourniquets, eye patches, tweezers, and volunteer organ donors
in anticipation of a possible speed pruning mishap today.
Marilyn: I understand that certain former Rose Olympic
speed pruning medalists have landed highly lucrative deals
endorsing a big-name manufacturer of prosthetic finger
tips, Tom.
Keith: Perhaps Dr. Leda could sign on with IHOP.
Tom: Great idea, Keith. The judges have just given the
one-minute countdown signal, and now Dr. Leda is poised,
Felcos in hand, waiting for the starting gun. The zamboni
is wheeling out the first rose, and it looks like Dr. Leda's
prunee is... a monster. An enormous, tangled, PINK monster.
What the heck is that thing, Keith? It looks as if Barbie
performed an extreme makeover on the entire island of Borneo.
 |
| Climbing Fairy, a pink Polyantha
rose. |
Keith: That's the climbing sport of the the pink Polyantha
rose, 'The Fairy,' Tom. Though I've never been sure whether
it's worse to call it 'The Climbing Fairy' or 'Climbing
The Fairy.' There ought to be a law against climbing sports
with articles in their name. Who's in charge of such matters
anyway?
Marilyn: Those things grow like kudzu down here. I prune
mine every year with a chainsaw.
Tom: Dr. Leda has now crouched down in the starting position,
her right-handed Number 2 Felco pruners raised high above
her head. Three, two, one...BANG! And she's...she's just
standing there. She isn't moving. The clock is ticking
away in this cutthroat high-speed international competition,
and the (bleep) fool hasn't even budged from the starting
block!
Keith: I think maybe her tortilla topper tilted a tad
to the left. Ha, try saying that three times really
fast!
Marilyn: Sit down, Keith. I can't see.
Tom: What the heck is going on out there, Marilyn? Do
you think Dr. Leda has a secret strategy? Is she studying
the situation from every angle, shrewdly calculating precisely
where to make that first crucial incision on the tertiary
lateral shoots? Will she strike like lightning any second
now?
Marilyn: Actually, Tom, it looks more like she's doing
her nails.
Keith: With Felcos? Oh that is just so wrong, on so many
levels.
Tom: The judges are shaking their heads, folks, and shrugging
their shoulders. They're just as perplexed by this woman's
crazy antics as we are.
Marilyn: Wait! Look! Dr. Leda has returned her Felcos
to their holster and tossed one of her gauntlets to the
ground, the official Olympic signal that her pruning is
complete. The official timekeeper's clock has stopped after
only 15 seconds. And yet: she never even touched the rose.
Keith: I think we have an official Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
moment here, people.
Tom: The judges are conferring...
Marilyn: The crowd is holding its breath...
Keith: The cameraman is staring at her head, developing
a subliminal urge to send out for pizza...
Tom: It looks as if they've reached a decision. The judges
are handing a piece of paper to the announcer, and...
Marilyn: And they've given it to her! They've accepted
it as a complete prune! They've officially decreed that
climbing Polyanthas do not NEED to be pruned every single
year! YESSSS!!! She's IN!!!
Tom: Fifteen seconds!! Marilyn, this is the most amazing
world record ever to be set in the entire history of the
Winter Rose Olympics. The other contenders simply do not
stand a chance. No doubt about it, Dr. Leda Horticulture
has taken the Gold Medal in this year's Rose Speed Pruning
event. Have you ever witnessed anything so exciting in
your life, Keith? Keith? Um, where are you going, Keith?
Keith: I'm off to invest my entire life savings in absurdly
flat berets, Tom. I guarantee, it's about to become the
Next Big Thing!
 |
| Dr. Leda in her fashionable beret. |
(Scene fades to the sound of the National Anthem playing
as a wildly cheering crowd carryies Dr. Leda away on its
shoulders... |
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